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Discover how anger management can lead to personal growth in our exclusive interview with management consultant, executive coach, and author Dr. Zarmina Penner. Dr. Penner reveals her path and offers unique insights into the "STOP! -1-2-3 model" to positively use and constructively channel anger in everyday life.
1. personal change through anger management
Editor: Dr. Penner, could you share how your journey led you to the topic of anger management? Were there any key moments that made you realize the importance of this topic?
Dr. Zarmina Penner: For many years, I didn't feel my anger, and when I did, I felt indefinably "bad" after triggering episodes when I had to deal with people who were disrespectful to me. And I had physical symptoms such as headaches and persistent tension.
It was only later, especially with people who took their anger out on me without ifs and buts and, in my view, for no reason, that I began to feel my anger. It felt good to feel and express it, but this phase left me with many broken pieces.
I realized that I needed to understand better and regulate my anger. There were many key moments when I said things I couldn't take back. Much later, I realized that these outbursts of anger had patterns, and each episode told a story to help me grow emotionally.
2. the "STOP! 1-2-3 model" in everyday life
Editor: Could you explain how individuals can use the "STOP!” -1-2-3 model daily to better understand and control their emotional reactions?
Dr. Zarmina Penner: The first step is to observe yourself more consciously and reflect on your life daily. I call this "emotional hygiene." It's as essential as brushing your teeth.
The model has two parts:
Analysis
Exploring and Implementing Solutions
1. the analysis
If you notice that you keep telling others the same stories about people who make your life difficult, tell yourself: Stop! The next time this experience repeats itself, challenge yourself not to tell anyone about it.
Instead, try to watch the episode like an observer. In a quiet moment, close your eyes and relive the episode in your head from beginning to end, as if it were a short movie.
How did it start?
What happened?
What did you feel?
What happened next?
How did you react?
What happened after that?
If you become emotional, allow your feelings to emerge, even if they hurt. Tears, anger, sadness, fear, etc., are permitted. You will notice that you feel better afterward, and the episode will no longer seem so explosive. Take your time and repeat if necessary.
Then, take a piece of paper and describe the episode from three perspectives:
What did you contribute? What was your contribution? Being honest with yourself is crucial. Do not take the position of the victim. Analyze yourself from the position of the observer.
How did the environment contribute to this? Was it a value problem? A process problem? What was missing in the environment that allowed this episode to occur? Analyze soberly and impartially.
Only then do you look at the other person? Put yourself in their shoes. What could have contributed to their behavior? Compassion and empathy allow you to perceive more.
These are the first steps: STOP! 1-2-3. This is a sufficient analysis of the situation.
Conflicts and trigger events can show us how far we have come in our personal development and what still needs to be done.
2. search for and implementation of solutions
A solution to the situation can then be worked out.
Your five goals can be:
Learn from the situation and grow emotionally.
Avoid future episodes.
Recognize the actual conflict behind the episode and eliminate the cause.
Let the episode pass and improve the relationship.
Sit out the situation until things change on their own.
There are three possible strategies:
Seek a conversation and discuss and negotiate a compromise.
Arrange a short meeting where you clarify your limits and conditions without discussion.
Do nothing.
Once you have defined your goals, choose a strategy and create a plan you implement carefully. Review your plan after each step and adapt it.
If you proceed carefully, you can learn a lot. Conflicts and trigger events can show us how far we have come in our personal development and what needs to be done. This is self-coaching in everyday life and a very valuable experience for life.
We can influence things in our world through our behavior. How we behave has an indirect impact on our immediate surroundings.
3. anger in women
Editor: Why do you think society is still so reticent regarding women expressing their anger? And how can women learn to express their anger in a healing and powerful way?
Dr. Zarmina Penner: I don't see anger as gender-specific. People are people, regardless of their gender. The process of analysis and resolution is the same as described above. We, as women or men, determine how we behave. What others think and say about it is irrelevant and none of our business. We cannot demand that others or society behave differently towards us. It is what it is. This acceptance is very liberating.
It is not for anyone, woman or man, to take out their anger unfiltered on the environment. The more important goal is always to learn from everyday life, to recognize and control ourselves more and more so that we become and remain valuable members of society, value-based, helpful, and upbeat.
Everything else, such as how we feel emotionally, whether we feel anger, and how our behavior develops, is nobody else's business. However, we can influence things in our world through our behavior, and how we behave indirectly influences our immediate surroundings. Nothing more is necessary. We do it ourselves. We have it in our own hands.
4. anger as an opportunity for personal development
Editor: You say that anger holds potential for personal development. Can you give an example of how you can grow personally by consciously dealing with anger?
Dr. Zarmina Penner: For example, if I notice that I'm not getting the respect I want in everyday life, I can ask myself:
1. responsibility for my boundaries
How have I contributed to others allowing themselves to be disrespectful to me?
Do I take a sufficient stand when such incidents occur again?
Where are my boundaries, and have I made them clear?
2. the reflection of the environment
Am I in an environment where respect is a top priority?
What values do the people who influence my environment have?
Do I feel comfortable in this environment?
3. analysis of disrespect
Who is behaving disrespectfully towards me?
When and why?
What is the motivation?
After the analysis, I can define and implement a solution. The aim is to influence the situation by making decisions and changing one's behavior. It is not about asking others to behave differently; that doesn't work.
I talk about respect because anger often arises when boundaries are not respected, or you are not valued. Respect and appreciation are closely linked.
For example, when triggered, you can say, “That surprises me now. What do you mean? Tell me more.” Then you will gain some time. Raising your voice or scolding is never a good solution.
5. tips for dealing with sudden anger
Editor: What are the first steps you can take when you feel anger coming on? Do you have any practical tips for reducing the intensity of the emotion at such moments?
Dr. Zarmina Penner: When anger arises, we have about 30 seconds to decide how to react.
Ideally, we know the situation from regular analysis of everyday life and have prepared a response.
For example, you can say, "That surprises me now; tell me more!" Then you gain some time. Getting loud or scolding is never a good solution.
Go into observer mode, knowing that what you are being accused of has more to do with the other person than with you.
Listen and observe because you will analyze the situation later to understand what you can learn about yourself, your environment, and the other person.
Don't get caught up in the dramas of others. They are none of our business.
With this attitude, everyday life becomes a fascinating adventure.
Some people regulate their emotions by annoying others. If you practice emotional hygiene according to the above model, you will recognize this pattern with others early on.
6. anger in interpersonal relationships
Editor: Anger very often arises in interactions with others. What techniques do you suggest for de-escalating conflicts and dealing constructively with anger in relationships?
Dr. Zarmina Penner: Stay calm, don't react impulsively, gain distance, and apply the model later. Emotionality cannot clarify anything, so don't discuss it. We need information, so listening is the best strategy.
If it is a dangerous situation in which the other person is drunk or no longer in control, you should carefully withdraw from the situation.
As I said, some people regulate their emotions by annoying others. If you practice emotional hygiene according to the above model, you will recognize this pattern with others early on and have time to decide which solution is appropriate calmly. Walking away is a form of doing nothing.
In a relationship, it is good if both partners focus on their development and the development of the relationship and take time to talk to each other after such episodes. Don't interrupt, but listen and say what you think. The five goals, as do the three strategies, correspond to those of the model. As always, respect is a necessary foundation.
Maintaining a good relationship is almost impossible if speaking and listening does not work. It cannot be done by one person alone.
Emotional hygiene is an integral part of self-care. It enables us to get to know and appreciate our inner world.
7 The role of anger in self-care
Editor: Can understanding and accepting your own anger emotions contribute to deeper self-care and a healthier self-image?
Dr. Zarmina Penner: Yes, definitely. Not only anger but all our feelings, such as sadness, fear, guilt, shame, etc., play an important role in life. They are signals that tell us what is wrong and what we must think about to understand the meaning. Because we have not yet learned how to deal with feelings, we often fear them or tell ourselves that we are not good enough when we feel something. These are wrong thoughts that we need to get rid of.
Emotional hygiene is an essential part of self-care. Through it, we get to know and appreciate our inner world. Every feeling has its place there, like the keys on a piano.
8. dealing with chronic anger
Editor: What would you recommend to people who find that anger has become a chronic condition? How can one begin to break this cycle?
Dr. Zarmina Penner: It would make sense to get help here—someone to stand by and guide us through the process.
First, I would understand or sort out the thoughts that lead to anger.
Then, I would start with the body and recommend body therapy because chronic thoughts and emotions settle in the body.
Afterward, or simultaneously, it is good to do something for the soul. This is different for everyone. Nature, music, and meditation are good options. Ultimately, anything that contributes to inner peace, gratitude, and joy is good for the soul.
Editor: Thank you for the interview.
Editor: In her book “Anger Management – Never Explode Again!, Dr. Zarmina Penner presents a practical three-step guide to analyzing, understanding, and sustainably overcoming anger and aggression. Readers learn to use their anger as a tool for self-development and self-control.
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